When your child with ADHD is melting down in an intense ADHD moment, refusing to cooperate, or pushing every limit, it can feel like everything is on the line: your patience, your authority, and your connection. In this episode, Dr. Tish Taylor shares three powerful questions to help you stay grounded and intentional during those emotionally intense, behaviorally challenging moments.
You’ll learn:
✔ Know when to give a consequence — and when to wait
✔ Shift from trying to “gain control” to coaching your child through regulation
✔ Respond in ways that reinforce the behavior you do want to see
✔ Stay aligned with your values, even in high-stress situations
Whether you’re dealing with screen time battles, homework meltdowns, or public outbursts, this episode offers practical strategies you can start using today. Plus, download the free companion guide to walk through the questions as you reflect on your own parenting moments.
These are the tools that help you stay steady when things get stormy — and teach your child how to do the same.
💡Want Help Responding Calmly in the Heat of the Moment? Click here to download the “How Do I Want to Show Up?” Companion Guide, a simple, reflective tool to help you stay grounded, clear, and consistent during your child’s most emotionally intense moments. Use it to identify your parenting values, recognize patterns, and guide your responses with confidence.
This guide works great on its own or alongside Episode 12 of the ADHD Connect podcast. Whether you’re at home, in the car, or coming off a tough moment, keep it close as your go-to reset tool.
👉 Visit The ADHD Store and take the next step in your journey.
Visual Summary
Episode 12 Transcript:
Hi, this is Dr. Tish Taylor, and welcome to this episode of ADHD Connect, my podcast where we talk about all things ADHD, children, and adolescents. Today, I’m excited because I’ve been working with some concepts, and it’s related to situations that we have with children who are emotionally and behaviorally intense. So these are situations where your child is not doing what they’re supposed to do, they’re really pushing back or being defiant, and/or they’re having a tantrum, meltdown, or they’re on the verge of that.
So these are situations where your child is not doing what they’re supposed to do, they’re really pushing back or being defiant, and or they’re having a tantrum meltdown, or they’re on the verge of that. So those situations that are in those moments are really challenging as a parent.
And so what I’ve what I’ve collected, my thoughts I’ve collected within this podcast are, I’m what I’m trying to do is give you some kind of template and a few short questions that can help guide you in those moments, and they can also help guide you as you’re thinking about those moments, and what those patterns of behavior are that you’re seeing and that you’re finding yourself dealing with.
And so if your child has ADHD, they may have a co-occurring condition or maybe just ADHD, but these are situations where your child gets more emotionally heightened, gets, you know, doesn’t follow directions when you really want them to, and can push back pretty hard, or a combination of the two. And so what do you do in those moments? I have parents ask me that all the time, and quite frankly, as a parent, you know, it’s hard.
So over the years, here’s kind of what I’ve come to. And so there’s a graphic that you have in the document you’ll have if you want to access that with this podcast. But let’s get going. So the first thing I want to say is, in an overarching way, think about what those situations are. What triggers those situations? If you can find some pattern, and then I want you to think about how I want to show up, right? What are my values? What is it in those moments that I want to look like? What do I want to communicate? And how do I want to communicate? It verbally and non verbally.
So if somebody was recording you, which nowadays can just happen at any moment, but if you were being recorded, what would you see? And think about that, and what would you want to see in those moments?
And that’s a true test for all of us, to be honest. But I think that’s really the first thing to think about: what are those situations I’m finding myself in, and how do I want to show up? And how am I showing up?
And we’re not always consistent, but you know, what’s my goal in those times? So let’s think about a couple of scenarios. First, let’s say you have a child who really fights back when it’s time to, you know, hey, it’s time to turn off the video games, or the warning comes, and they’re like, Stop it, leave me alone.
Or you’re such an idiot, you know, you get that kind of response. Or another scenario where, you know, your child has to do a writing assignment, or they have to write a paragraph, and, you know, they put their head down, they stomp their feet, they throw the paper on the floor, or something like that, right?
There’s some real resistance, big emotion that comes, and at that moment, for example, you’re not sure if they’re going to cry, have a meltdown or scream or just totally shut down.
You’re not sure. So the emotions are really heightened.
And in those moments, you know, naturally, we find our emotions heightened, especially if this is something we continue to deal with, right? Because there’s also that factor of this is wearing me out, or this is frustrating for me. Do we have to go through this again? Haven’t we learned, and so that can certainly be a frustrating component of children who have ADHD So again, think about those different moments. Those are some examples I’ve given you in those moments.
How do I want to show up? What are my values? What am I trying to teach? Okay? And now I have some important questions that you could maybe quickly go through, or go through as you’re planning, how to handle those moments? So, one would be, do I need to administer a consequence right now? Because usually, some of those behaviors you know would indicate a consequence, right?
Well, you know we’re not going to have screen time tomorrow, then, or, you know, you’ve just lost that privilege, buddy, that’s what you know you want to say, um, but what might happen is an even bigger reaction or an explosion. And you know your child better, but you know, in those moments, they’re kind of pivotal moments, right? Do I go in there and then we have an explosion, or do I say, you know, I’m boss, and that is it, and this is I’ve had it. And so what do you do in those moments? And so one question is, do I administer the consequence? If you know it requires.
One then maybe it does right, if there’s disrespect or name calling or something fine. But do I do in that moment, or in that moment, am I trying to avoid an explosion, and then I could administer the consequence later? So I’m not saying avoid a consequence if the child has earned a consequence, but what I am saying is, in that moment, will you know, I’m going to one-up you on this, will that help the situation, or will that harm the situation? So do I administer the consequence now or later?
Or is my goal in this moment? My priority in this moment is to help the child regulate and be, you know, that parent who provides the boundary, make sure they exit without, you know, disrupting the family or having a major explosion that makes everything worse. You know, all around. A second question is, do I, and this is related, but it is, am I trying to help my child emotionally regulate, or am I trying to gain control? And you know, they’re it’s not necessarily mutually exclusive, but so if I’m trying to gain control, I’m trying to show them who’s in charge, right? Like you can’t talk to me like that.
And when I’m trying to gain control, I’m probably raising my voice. I could very well be yelling. I could very well be administering a consequence. I could be physically imposing, right? Like I’m in charge. You’re not so back off. And so that kind of approach, and so I’m, is that the goal? Is that the priority in the moment, or is it emotional regulation, trying to help your child emotionally regulate? Now, if they comply with kind of, I’m in charge, I’m in control. It may be out of fear, or if you’re able to administer that in the way that’s not threatening, you know, they may just, you know, say, Okay, right, yeah, I’m, I’m not going to mess with dad in this moment, and they can regulate.
But if you do that, have that kind of approach, and your child escalates. I mean, that’s really the question. So what’s the priority you you know your child best, and if in with that approach, your child escalates, you know that may not be the best approach in that moment, and if you know how far they’ve already gone emotionally, and it’s not that you cannot be in control of this situation, you can still say you can choose this and this will happen, or you can choose that and that will happen, or you’ve made those boundaries so clear, and you follow through as consistently As you can you are showing control in that situation. You also show more control in the situation.
If your voice is calm, if you are clear with what you say, and if your directions are very clear in those moments, I would also keep it short, but you are showing control if you do that. So think about it that way. You know, do you need to gain control by being very imposing? Or can you gain it? Can you gain control by showing your own self-control? So that’s something to think about. And also within that you can think about, what am what behavior Am I reinforcing in my child? Right? So if you’re talking in a calm, controlled way. Maybe you’re reinforcing that for them, as opposed to, if I escalate my voice, am I reinforcing them escalating their voice?
Even more so than the reinforcement piece, which I talked about in the last podcast, what? What is the targeted behavior? What am I trying to teach? What am I trying to coach? What am I trying to reinforce in those moments? And so that leads me to my third question, right in what behavior am I, you know, trying to correct a behavior like, Stop, don’t do that. Or am I trying to coach a behavior like, say that again, please?
I’ve said that myself. Like, say that again, because you know, and what I’m saying is that came out really sassy. So, if your child can self-correct, awesome, that’s what you’re trying to reinforce. I’m trying to reinforce saying it in a respectful way in this situation, in this moment. Now I can come in and correct, to say, Don’t do that. But again, think about the target behavior, and the target behavior is always framed in the positive. So as much as you can elicit that, you know they’re practicing that, or they’re recognizing in that moment, here’s what I need to do, or they’re grappling with trying to produce that in the moment when it’s hard. Now, if your child is so escalated that there’s nothing rational that’s going to happen, then I really think your priority and your goal is just to calm the situation.
Because, further, you know, explosions are really not going to help anybody. Nobody feels better about that. Parents don’t feel better about that. At that moment, my priority is to calm this situation. The other thing I will add is that, you know, there are certainly times we find ourselves in situations that we feel like we have very few options, like we’re in the car, or we’re with extended family, and they have, you know, there’s those own dynamics going on. So we certainly find ourselves in those situations where we’re just trying to maybe exit the situation, so we avoid humiliation, or, you know, disruption of some other environment or other people, and do the best you can, and as best as you can think of what is the priority in this moment?
So, for example, if you’re in the car, I just need to keep everybody safe, and I need to be able to drive safely. If I cannot drive safely, I’m going to have to pull over and then deal with the situation, then, but again. So sometimes we’re in a situation where it is literally moment by moment. What is the priority in this moment, and safety trumps everything, right? So if something feels unsafe, I’ve got to immediately think, how am I going to make this situation safe?
And then think about, what’s the target behaviors? What am I trying to reinforce? What am I trying to coach? What am I trying to change, if I can? Hopefully, this makes sense. As I said, there’s a document here to help you think about those things, and you’re always welcome to email me or contact me with any questions. So thanks so much for listening.
