Episode 36: Stay the Course: When Kids with ADHD Pushback

Hi, this is Dr. Tish Taylor, and welcome to this episode of ADHD Connect.

Today, I want to talk about staying the course—not detouring—when it comes to children and teens with ADHD. When they have a lot of retort, argumentativeness, ways to veer off what is expected or what is healthy for them, they can throw lots of roadblocks, if you will.

So, stay the course.

Stay the course when it is something important, right? Maybe there’s something for school, something related to personal hygiene, or an appointment they need to go to. Maybe it’s a responsibility they need to follow through with, such as a practice they’ve committed to, or something else they’re responsible for and have committed to. Maybe it’s a chore at home where they need to pitch in and do their part.

We get lots of pushback with—not all kids with ADHD—but a fair amount of them, and it often sounds like argumentativeness.

For example: “Well, but my sister doesn’t have to do it,” or “Why today?” or “You didn’t tell me this before,” or “That’s not fair.”

Just all kinds of pushback that feels like arguing.

Again, I’m going to say: Don’t go too far down that detour. That’s a detour.

Really stick with what you know the focus is, what the expectation is, and what you know is the best and the right thing. You’re trying to do the best and the right thing, so try to stick with that.

You can empathize, right? “I get that you don’t like it,” or “I’m sorry if you don’t recall that I told you. I recall that I did tell you, but it is important. We need to do it.”

So, I do empathize, but I don’t tend to—and this is my approach—I do not tend to empathize, empathize, empathize, empathize, because that can also steer you off course.

We want to say, “I hear what you’re saying. I get that you don’t like it. However, this is important for you.”

So, I steer back, and I’m staying the course.

If it’s something argumentative, it can be easy to go down that rabbit hole.

Another one is negotiating.

“Well, what if I did it tomorrow?”

“I’ll do it later.”

“I’ll get to it.”

“Yeah, I heard you. I don’t have to do it right now.”

Or, “What if it’s my brother’s turn to do it, not mine?”

That negotiation is also a detour, so recognize it for what it is.

Negotiation can be an avoidance, right? And that avoidance may be related to: You’re asking me to do something non-preferred. I’m having to shift out of something I’m wanting to do, or I’m having to shift into something I really don’t want to do, and that is hard. It’s hard for me to get over that hump.

So, that very well may be what it is.

Also, it could be some learned behavior because some of these techniques that kiddos with ADHD use, they’re very good at, and it can wear you down.

If there are times that you’ve been like, “Oh my gosh, it’s not even worth it,” or “Maybe this isn’t a big deal. I don’t even know,” or there just wasn’t time to follow through with it, then if it’s been successful for them, they’ll keep doing it.

Adults will do the same thing, right? We’ll keep doing it.

So again, when it’s negotiation, I typically say, “I’m not going to negotiate about that. This needs to be done. It’s your responsibility. It’s important. It’s healthy for you.”

Right? You need to brush your teeth. That’s totally healthy for you. Once you lose your baby teeth, you get one set of teeth, and that’s it.

Sometimes I will give short explanations, so there’s not much to argue about. Again, I come back to why this is healthy for you.

Now, they may argue and negotiate about why they think it isn’t, and then I just kind of usually let those comments go.

I stay the course.

If they’re going to push and push and push, you might at times have to accommodate, right?

Like, “Okay, what if we get—” You know, “All right, I’ll work with you. I’ll work with you.”

If they keep pushing and it’s becoming more of a deal than you know is reasonable, then, “All right, I’ll work with you.”

And if they’re old enough, you can say, “What’s your proposal?”

Because these chores do have to get done. They have to be done by the end of the day. So, do you have a proposal for me where both of what needs to be done can be met?

You don’t want to do it right now, but it does need to be done by the end of the day, and that’s just part of family responsibility.

So, how can we meet both things?

That sounds like a lot of the work by Ross Greene. If you’ve ever read his work, he calls that doing more collaboration and problem-solving.

That is reasonable.

But don’t let the negotiation veer you off course so much that it doesn’t get done.

Another way is, you know, I hear kids say, “I don’t like this. I don’t want to. I don’t like this.”

It’s just negativity: “You’re making me do this.”

Don’t fall down that trap or go on the detour.

“I get that you don’t like it. Everybody has to do it.”

Everybody has to do their schoolwork, or everybody has to do this. It’s like, you’re not singled out. This is just part of life.

I usually just stick to that track of response.

Again, I try not to talk too much because the more you talk, the more there’s wiggle room for all of these things—negotiation, argument, getting into this negativity.

“I really hate it.”

“It’s not fair.”

“I don’t like it.”

I don’t want that to spiral.

Sometimes in those moments, I might also say, “Can I help you? Can I help you get started?”

I might offer some accommodation that way, right? Like, “I’ll help you get past it, and then I know you’re perfectly capable.”

Or it could be, “When this is over, there is this thing coming next”—something you prefer, maybe, right after that. That may also be a technique you probably use, but you can certainly use that.

Blame is another one.

“You’re making me do it.”

“It’s all your fault.”

“Why do I have to do that?”

“You didn’t tell me.”

Just kind of this blame, this lack of acceptance of responsibility—not accepting something that is reasonable and would be expected of you.

Don’t go down that detour.

I don’t want them to get into a “poor me” situation because when we accomplish things and do things that aren’t always easy, that’s when we develop a little more character. We learn how to do harder things, and then we have some sense of accomplishment.

But if they’re constantly trying to avoid those things, then they don’t develop that sense of accomplishment, that sense of, “I can do harder things,” or, “You know what? Now that I did that, I did it. Look what I did.”

And even if they don’t verbalize that, they know they did it.

So, even if it’s a hard thing, again, maybe I’ll work with you. Maybe I’ll provide some accommodations, but we’re not going to blame other people.

This is your responsibility. This is your thing. This is something you committed to.

Going to school is something we all do, so it’s just a part of life.

Again, that comes down to some acceptance.

And if they need time to cool off, just say, “Let me know when you’re ready. If you need time to cool off, let me know when you’re ready, and we’ll get back.”

So, in all of that, like I said, try not to go through the detours—the blaming, the arguing, the negotiating, not accepting responsibility, putting the responsibility somewhere else, and avoidance.

There can be lots of strategies for avoidance.

Take it in bite sizes if you need to, right? If you know it’s going to be a hard thing, you might take it in bite sizes in the beginning. You might allow for some accommodation.

But we always stay the course in terms of what is healthy, what is expected, and what is reasonable.

So, I hope this helps you, and thank you so much for listening.