Episode 35: Calm Through the Storm

Hi, this is Dr. Tish Taylor, and welcome to this episode of ADHD Connect, where we are focusing on a lot of the social and emotional needs children with ADHD often show and present.

Today, I want to talk about helping children and teens learn to be calm through the storm.

I like to use this analogy because most children and teens have some experience with and know what a storm is. It could be a thunderstorm, a hurricane—they have some experience with storms where things around them are not calm and are stirring up.

I like to talk to them about how our emotions can be like a storm, right? They can be stirred up. And we can think about emotions and externalize them a little bit, even though they’re going on inside of us. We can think about them like a storm—something we have to let pass, maybe get through. And we can kind of steer our way through it.

I use that analogy because most kids can relate to it. You may have other analogies that you use to relate to big emotions and big emotional reactions, but I like to use this one because it gives us some kind of anchor—that we ourselves can be a little bit more of an anchor when those emotions feel like they’re overtaking us.

It presents the idea that you have some capability, or you can learn some skills to start to have a little more capability, so the emotions don’t completely overtake your reactions and your behaviors.

That might be one thing you can use pretty easily.

So we think about, okay, how can we create some calm through this storm?

Because this storm will pass.

The storm will pass.

In other words, these emotions will not last forever. They will not stay forever, and we just have to get through them.

And what we want to do is use our values. We want our values to guide our behavior through the storm, right?

So, if you’re in a storm, you probably don’t want to start yelling and screaming or calling people names. You want to guide yourself through that storm, even though it feels very intense.

I like to use that analogy, and you can use different examples that help explain that. Kids can think about, “How do I steer my boat?” or “How do I stay calm and feel like I’m in a safe place?” or “How can I kind of hold on and know this is going to pass?”

And once it passes—once the storm passes—I’ll be better able to deal with my feelings and what it is, and maybe solve the problem, communicate, or help myself get through it, including if it’s something I’m disappointed about or I don’t think has been very fair.

So I start there and visualize that.

Sometimes I’ll have kids draw pictures. We can describe a scene, but have them visualize, “How can I be that? What is something I can think of?”

It also might be something that reminds them of something that stays still and calm through the storm, like a mountain, right? It doesn’t move. It just stays calm and still, even though everything is swirling around it, like a snowstorm, for example.

So it’s something that feels anchored that they can relate to and think about: “Okay, I can be like that.”

All right. So one thing we’re doing is visualizing, of course.

Then there are breathing techniques, and there are so many out there that you can access. I’ll give you a couple that I like and that are pretty easy.

One is five-finger breathing. A lot of kids will like that. Teens, not quite as much, but kids do, right?

You can just trace your five fingers. As you trace up, you breathe in slowly. As you go down, you breathe out slowly. You have to remind them to breathe slowly.

You can also use the square method.

You just trace a square in the air. As you go across, you breathe in slowly. As you go down, you hold your breath. As you go back across, you breathe out. As you go up, you hold your breath again. Just hold an empty breath.

So you’re breathing in, holding, breathing out, holding. It’s kind of four seconds, four seconds, four seconds, four seconds.

Teens do like square breathing. Square breathing is good for teens, too.

But there are many other techniques out there. Dr. Chris Willard is certainly an expert in mindful techniques and calming techniques. There are also mindful scripts that can be used.

So any of those can be used for self-calming in the most immediate moment.

And if you’re there with them—if you’re there with your child or teen—you can try to be that very calm presence, like you would be in a storm, right?

You can talk about or use that: “Can I kind of be there to be an anchor? Would that be helpful?”

Or something or somebody else might also be an anchor, like a pet or something like that.

So think about those self-calming strategies and, of course, remembering that it will pass.

The other thing is, as long as the emotions aren’t too, too big, you can think, “How big of a problem is this?”

When there’s still some applicability of thought, when you can still have some rational thought—if, on a scale of one to ten, the child is at an eight, nine, or ten, it’s hard to have a lot of rational thought.

And so that’s when it’s those centering, breathing, mindful strategies. Be in a safe space. Maybe there’s something sensory that might help me calm, right?

Use those just to calm your body.

But if there’s some rationality—“I’m really agitated and I’m feeling really mad about this. I feel like it’s not fair. I don’t like it. I don’t want to.”—then let’s think about how big of a problem this is for you.

Is this going to be a problem for you tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? Is this a big, big problem in your life?

It does usually help to talk about what is a big, small, or medium problem before you get into those moments.

I think once a child has a framework for small, medium, and big problems before those moments, then you can remind and coach them in those moments.

Small problems are often things that really don’t affect my life too much. In the near future, I probably won’t even think about it too much. It’s something I can solve on my own. It’s something I can deal with on my own.

But a big piece of that is often acceptance.

Can I accept this is what it is?

Can I accept I cannot have this thing right now?

Can I accept that it’s time to get off of gaming?

Can I accept that somebody said something to me I didn’t like?

Right?

So, can I accept what’s happening, steer through my emotions, steer through the storm, and then get to a place where I can try to solve the problem?

And if I solve the problem, is it something I can let go?

Maybe it’s not a huge deal, and I can just let it go.

Is it something I need to communicate about? Do I need to tell somebody—the helpful, right person—what my feelings are and talk it through?

Is it something that needs to be solved?

Maybe I’ve gotten into the same fight with my sister again, and we keep fighting about the same thing, and it’s a problem, right? It keeps happening.

So, do I need help solving that problem?

That might be more of a medium problem.

And I usually talk about large problems as problems where you definitely need adult intervention. Maybe something is really an emergency. Something is really, really a big deal, and you definitely need some adult help with it.

When you break that down, there are usually very few instances that would fall into that big-problem category.

So when you develop this concept of, “How big is this problem?” you can come back to that when they’re trying to steer through the storm.

Is this a big problem, or is this something where, if you use your strategies and techniques, you can steer through it and get through it?

Recognize that you might not like it. You might be disappointed. You might be frustrated. You might be irritated about it.

But you can get through it.

You can steer through it, accept it, or communicate and problem-solve about it.

You can work with your feelings.

You can work with your feelings and still do it in a way that is respectful to other people and to yourself, so that in the end, when the storm has totally passed, you can feel good about how you handled it.

So those are some concepts, ideas, and strategies about how to steer through the storm.

If you have any questions or want to talk further, please contact me.

And thank you so much.