Episode 34: Feelings Mind: Helping Kids Understand Big Emotions

Hi, this is Dr. Tish Taylor, and welcome to this episode of ADHD Connect.

Today, we’re going to be talking about a character I call Feelings Mind. This is one of the characters in my Fostering Connection collection and book. This character really tries to get at self-understanding and self-awareness.

When I work with children and teens using this character, what we’re trying to understand is: Why are my emotions so big? What’s happening in this situation? And how can I break this down and understand myself better?

A lot of this is rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy, but I essentially use four squares. We’ll have a whiteboard or a piece of paper, and we break it into four quadrants.

In one quadrant are feelings. In one are thoughts. In another are body sensations. And in the last are actions or behaviors.

We’re trying to break all four of those down so children can understand what is going on all at one time.

For example, let’s say a child gets into a big fight with their sibling. They’re fighting over something where one person believes it’s theirs and the other person thinks it’s theirs. Let’s say it’s their turn to have control over the video games or the television, and they get into a big argument about that.

A child’s response is usually, “It’s their fault. They started it,” blah, blah, blah, right? All of that.

But when they’re with me, we try to step back and say, “Okay, what was going on inside of you at that time?”

So, let’s break this down.

Feelings

What feelings were you having?

We get very specific about feelings. A lot of times, I use feelings charts. There are various feelings charts out there, and those can be a helpful tool, especially for a younger child or a child who isn’t easily able to articulate what they’re feeling.

Maybe it was irritation, frustration, or anger.

Oftentimes, I also have to ask, “Was there disappointment?”

In the example I just gave, there may or may not have been disappointment. But in a lot of situations, there is disappointment when there’s something children aren’t getting that they want, something they wish they could have had, or they wanted something to go one way and it didn’t.

So, we work on recognizing what those different feelings are.

Maybe jealousy was a feeling in that situation. Maybe they were already tired and annoyed in the first place. Sometimes I find that helpful to explore. Can we talk about those feelings leading into it? Or was this one of those situations where the feelings just got big very quickly? Did it trigger something else?

Maybe we’ve had this argument before, so I got annoyed very quickly.

Then we talk about intensity. On a scale of one to five or one to ten, how big was that feeling in that moment or in that situation?

We talk about that and break it down.

Thoughts

Then we talk about, as best as you can remember, what were your thoughts? What did you think?

This can vary depending on a child’s understanding and self-awareness. I think this is a very good skill to develop if they’re not showing a lot of self-awareness. If they already have good self-awareness, that’s great, because it still helps them break the situation down.

Their thoughts could be something like, “What a jerk! They had this yesterday. It’s my turn, obviously.”

What are those words, that dialogue, those things that are going on in your mind?

Sometimes they come out of our mouths, but what were we thinking?

Body Sensations

Then we talk about body sensations.

What did you notice your body doing?

If you were irritated or angry, did you notice your body tightening up somehow? Where did you notice that?

Was it in your shoulders? Your fists?

If you threw something, maybe you were feeling it in your arms and shoulders. Maybe you noticed something in your feet or your stomach.

Was something tense or tight? Were you getting gurgles in your stomach? Were you getting hot? Were you feeling jittery or shaky?

We think about how the body actually feels.

You can quickly search for different body sensations and find a whole list of terms that describe the different ways our bodies can feel.

The goal is for the child or teen to begin recognizing those signs when they’re coming—and maybe begin recognizing when several of those signs are happening together.

Actions and Behaviors

The last quadrant is: What did you do? What were your actions?

Maybe it was, “I yelled at them.”

“I tried to grab the remote control from them.”

“I yelled for my mom.”

“I stormed off in a huff.”

Or maybe, “I tried to talk to them.”

Maybe you tried to compromise. Maybe you started out calm and the other person got angry.

What did you actually do?

We break all of that down, and then we talk about how these different pieces are related.

If I have a feeling, a thought, or a body sensation, how are those things connected? And how do they affect my reactions or behaviors?

That gives us a good foundation for understanding: What was going on with me at that time?

Understanding the Other Person

Then we can start to say, “Okay, now what might have been happening with your sibling?”

I also like to break this down using what I call Feelings Investigator.

We’ve worked to understand what was going on with you, but now let’s understand what might have been happening in the situation.

How might your sibling have felt?

If it’s a different scenario, how might the other people around you have felt? What might they have been experiencing?

We can break that down again and try to make an educated assumption: What do you think they were experiencing?

Now we’re bringing a whole other perspective into the situation.

What Could You Do Differently Next Time?

I also like to take the next step and ask: If you could do this all over again—or if this situation is likely to come up again—how would you want to proceed?

How would you do it differently if you could?

What would be a wise way to approach this situation?

Let’s say your sibling does the same thing again. Let’s say they do something jerky again, right?

How can you use what you know about yourself and how you’re likely to react to calm things down and take a different approach or choose a different response?

A lot of times, this takes work.

But we’re trying to build that additional self-awareness and self-understanding while also developing an understanding of the other people involved in the situation.

There may be another perspective to consider, too.

Maybe your parents came in, got mad, and you both got in trouble because you were fighting.

What was their perspective? What was their expectation? Why did they get annoyed so quickly?

Again, what can we do with this whole situation to help us move forward?

At the same time, I always recommend actively listening and trying to understand where the child is coming from. That’s when you’re going to get the most response from them and the most internal work from them.

I hope that all makes sense.

I’ll see you next time, and thanks so much for listening.