Episode 28: Flexible Thinking – Helping Kids Get Unstuck

Hi, this is Dr. Tish Taylor, and welcome to this latest episode of ADHD Connect.

This season, I’m talking about ADHD as it relates to social, emotional, and interpersonal functioning. Today, I want to focus on flexible thinking and how it impacts children and students with ADHD.

One thing I notice frequently is that many children with ADHD get stuck. They get stuck in a thought, a feeling, a perception, or an interpretation of a situation. When that happens, it affects their emotional regulation, their relationships, and their ability to problem-solve.

There are three common areas where I see this happen:

How they describe other people
How they react to things they don’t like
How they think about fairness

Let’s talk about each one.

“They’re Mean”

A child might come home and say, “They’re mean,” or “He’s a bully.”

The challenge is that those words can cover a huge range of experiences. When we use one broad label, we lose important information. The thinking becomes very flat, and so do the options for responding.

Instead of accepting the label at face value, I often try to help the child become more specific.

Was the person teasing?

Were they being snarky?

Were they rude or disrespectful?

Did they make a direct comment?

Was it actually bullying, meaning a repeated behavior involving a power imbalance?

The more specific we can become, the more options we have for understanding the situation and deciding what to do next.

“That person is mean” doesn’t leave us much room to work.

“That person made a rude comment and it embarrassed me” gives us something we can discuss, understand, and address.

“I Don’t Like It”

Another common example is when a child says, “I hate it,” or “I don’t like it.”

Maybe they’re talking about a subject in school, a teacher, a chore, or an activity.

Again, we often see all-or-nothing thinking.

My goal isn’t to convince them to like it. Instead, I try to help them find some gray area.

One strategy is using a continuum.

I might ask:

“On a scale from one to ten, how much do you dislike it?”

“Is there any part of it that’s okay?”

“Do you dislike all of it, or just this specific part?”

“Is it always bad, or only sometimes?”

As soon as we move from a binary response to a scale, we create room for thinking.

A six is different from a ten.

A child may discover that they don’t actually hate the entire subject. Maybe they dislike one part of it. Maybe they dislike how difficult it feels. Maybe they dislike the amount of effort it requires.

Those distinctions matter because they give us something we can work with.

“It’s Not Fair”

The third area is fairness.

Many children with ADHD become very focused on whether something is fair or unfair.

And often, from their perspective, it genuinely feels unfair.

Rather than arguing with them, I try to widen the frame.

I might ask:

“What do you think the other person saw?”

“Has there ever been a time when things went your way and someone else thought it wasn’t fair?”

“Is it unfair, or is it hard?”

“What do you think the adult was trying to accomplish?”

“What would happen if you learned to do this?”

The goal is not to dismiss their feelings. The goal is to expand their perspective.

Sometimes situations truly are unfair. That happens.

But even when something is unfair, we still have to ask:

“What can I do next?”

“What part of this can I control?”

“How do I move forward?”

Why This Matters

All three of these examples have something in common.

They involve rigid, all-or-nothing thinking.

Mean or not mean.

Like it or hate it.

Fair or unfair.

When we help children expand their vocabulary, create continuums, and widen their perspective, we help them become more flexible thinkers.

That flexibility supports emotional regulation, social understanding, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving.

It also helps them navigate relationships more effectively.

Helping Children Develop Flexible Thinking

As adults, whether we’re parents, educators, or mental health professionals, we can help children practice these skills in everyday moments.

Notice the words they use repeatedly.

Pay attention when their language becomes very absolute.

Slow the conversation down.

Ask questions.

Help them become more specific.

Help them find the gray areas.

Help them consider other perspectives.

This isn’t about arguing with children or convincing them they’re wrong.

It’s about helping them develop the ability to think more flexibly so they can respond more effectively to challenges.

Final Thoughts

Flexible thinking is a skill.

Like any skill, it develops through practice.

The more opportunities we give children to expand their vocabulary, think along continuums, and consider different perspectives, the more tools they’ll have for managing emotions, navigating relationships, and solving problems.

I hope this has given you some ideas and some food for thought.

As always, I wish you well with your children, your students, and your clients.

Thank you for joining me for this episode of ADHD Connect.